Recently I was coaching a group of executives where each of the six group members was asked to present a “leadership challenge” in order to gain insight, strategies and advice from their peers and from me.  The first leader to share his challenge started off by saying, “It’s me. I’m the problem. It’s me.” I laughed and said, “Channeling Taylor Swift are you?” Everyone in the room looked at me blankly. “That’s a lyric from one of her songs, pretty much verbatim. You know?” They continued to stare at me, silently, without recognition. “Oof,” I thought, “Wrong demographic.” Fortunately, the exec pressed on with his story, unimpeded by my ill-placed pop culture reference. My bungled comment aside, I was heartened by this leader’s readiness to look at his own role in his leadership challenge. 

In interpersonal dynamics and teamwork, the adage holds true: we cannot change others or make them behave differently. (Believe me, I’ve tried.) I have to remind myself of this often, especially when I’m caught in a heated dynamic (at work and at home) where I feel 100% certain the problem is “the other person.” Sometimes it’s out of pure desperation that I say to myself, “I’m getting nowhere by hoping they will change. Maybe I can figure out how to change.” The scholar-practitioner and teams’ expert, Susan Wheelan, astutely observed that even with a suboptimal manager or leader, we still have the responsibility to be positive, contributing team members. Complaining about our incompetent supervisor doesn’t give us an out. Sometimes I find that thought wearying. On a good day, it feels empowering. 

Harvard Business School professor, Amy Edmondson, further emphasized the importance of our own role and agency within a team, in advocating for the cultivation of psychological safety. When faced with a lack of such safety, Edmondson urges team members to question their own contributions, asking, "What am I doing to make it unsafe in this team?" Yes, in an ideal world, the leader will set the tone for creating psychological safety, and model behavior that supports and encourages it. We don’t always work with skilled leaders, yet, we can still be skilled.  

This practice of acknowledging one's role and participation in a difficult situation, may be challenging, but it offers leverage for change and potential for success. It gives us our agency back. Taking this approach not only empowers individuals but may also inspire a positive cascade. If I do something differently (better) in my team, maybe others might move differently too, fostering an upward spiral of constructive change. I know from my own experience that this is easy to say and much harder to do. I like to joke that I am addicted to being right. (My family is not laughing, btw.) The hard part for me is that this practice of owning my own contribution to a problem defies the belief I love so much. If I can put my hubris aside, though, I do find it helpful, even freeing, to think about how I might move differently to spark change. 

We are all routinely immersed in complicated situations, relationships, challenges, and conversations. Sometimes these are the very experiences that fuel the richness and joy of life. Other times these are the moments when we want to scream with frustration. Yet, I hope the next time you or I feel the urge to scream we might instead remember the Anti-Hero song lyric and consider the possibility that “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” I will also try to remember not to quote pop stars to business executives. 

Wishing you a wonderful rest of February.